Dear Daniel,
You may not eat the baby. I realize she's very cute and delicious, but you must not eat her.
Love, Mom
Dear Mom,
I don't WANT to eat her. But in all her plumpness and pinkness, she looks quite like the cotton candy queen. I try my hardest to not lick her face and smooch her ears, but she's delicious.
Love, Daniel
Dear Danny,
I don't care how delicious the baby looks. She is NOT candy. At this time, I would also like to remind you that she is not a couch, or a doll, or any kind of anything you may touch.
Love, Mom
Dear Taylor,
I'm sorry that I can't protect you from that rather big baby all the time. Sometimes, I just have to use the bathroom and while I know that the surefire way to guarantee your safety is to take you with me, I'm not going to. Those precious 60 seconds are mine. I prefer to use the bathroom in solitude. One day, when you can actually use the bathroom, you'll understand.
Love, Mom
Dear Mom,
I know you like to go to the bathroom alone, but I'm a sitting duck out here! You musn't leave me alone with the Michelin Man. He likes to sit on me and eat my face.
Love, Taylor
Dear Daniel,
Please don't sit on me. It makes me sad. And you're rather roly-poly so I have a hard time breathing. In a few months when I can crawl, I assure you that I'll play with you. But while I am stuck in this tiny body that doesn't move well, please don't make me your target.
Love, Taylor
Dear Taylor,
You're cute. And delicious. And mom's in the bathroom... Here I come!
Love, Daniel
Dear Daniel,
NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Love, Taylor
Dear Mom,
He did it again. He ate my face and sat on me. He also poked my eye. They are very twinkly shiny blue things that he just can't resist. I know you need to make dinner for everyone but don't put me on the floor. The crib has also been compromised. I'm afraid you'll just have to hold me.
Love, Taylor
Dear Daniel,
While I am impressed with your genius and your climbing capabilities, I am unimpressed with your inability to follow this simple instruction. Leave Taylor alone.
Love, Mom
And Daniel?
You will have to be in your room until further notice. Please put your lip back in your mouth. I didn't tell you to eat the baby. That's your own doing. I realize that you're just a baby yourself, but that's besides the point. I told you 87 times already that Taylor is off limits.
Love, Mom
Dear Mom,
You're mean. I will now cry for 24 minutes. Then I will remember that my airplane mobile is right above my head and I will stare at it until I fall asleep.
Love, Daniel
Dear Mom,
Thanks for putting that boy in his room. I feel much safer now. But you better still hold me, just in case.
Love, Taylor
Dear Taylor,
You're safe. I have to make dinner. Feel free to chew on anything you can grab. But no crying. I repeat No Crying.
Love, Mom
Dear Mom,
I know you said it was safe, but I am still a bit wary. You see, 99% of the time, I get eaten. I love toys, and I like to roll. But I'm afraid to get eaten so I prefer to eat my toys in your arms.
Love, Taylor
Dear Children,
I have sent for back up. Your Aunt should be here shortly. At that time, I expect you to turn into model children so that she may continue to think I'm crazy and that you are all angels.
Love, Mom
Dear Mom,
Will do!
Love, the children
