What's it like, huh?

• 3:00 am get the baby. change her pants. feed the baby. put the baby back in bed. try not to step on any tiny toys that may or may not pierce through your very flesh
• 4:00 am lay in bed awake and hope that whoever is crying will just stop
• 4:12 am get out of bed and assess the situation
• 4:15 am give medicine to the big baby. suck out the mucus. put drops in the ears. squirt saline in the nose. hook up breathing machine and hold the miserable squirming child with an insanely high-pitched cry, whilst hoping that he's actually breathing in some of the medicine.
• 5:00 am crawl back into bed. push husband out of the way and reclaim space. try not to be bitter that he can sleep through a tornado
• 6:00 am pretend you're not getting jumped on by toddlers
• 6:15 am resign yourself to the fact that they're not going away
• 6:17 am fetch breakfast. realize that you're out of cereal. try not to whine about actually having to make a real breakfast at 6:17 in the morning
• 7:00 am husband leaves showered and in clean non-smelly clothes. . . try not to be bitter
• 7:15 am get in fight with 3-year old because you had the audacity to not let him go outside in just his underwear
• 7:16 am time-out
• 7:17 am give in because it's just too early to be fighting
• 7:18 am have 3 year old run back inside because he's freezing
• 7:19 am have a silent celebratory jump because you were right.
• 7:20 am begin massive manhunt for shoes
• 7:45 am give up and put another pair of socks on and then some sandals. it's Arizona. things could be worse.
• 8:00 am give big baby another breathing treatment. comes with complimentary mucus sucking.
• 8:30 am let big crying baby down and get little crying baby. put teething tablets under her tongue. remember that she hasn't eaten since 3:00 am. win "Mom of the Year"
• 8:32 am make bottle. debate whether you should make a full 8 oz or not. decide to make only 6 oz because if she's hungry, you can just make some more.
• 8:36 am run into the kitchen whilst bouncing baby because you should have just gone ahead and made the full 8 oz bottle. will you ever learn?
• 9:00 am figure out what to give people for snacks. hope that they will just eat what you choose because you don't want snack to take an hour again.
• 10:00 am give yourself a time out before you lose it in front of those short people. why for the life of you you can't figure out what they'll eat at any given second is not your problem anyways. if they are going to be fickle, let them be hungry.
• 10:04 am try to sneak in a shower
• 10:05 am realize that your dream of a 30 minute hot shower is lost.
• 10:06 am get out of the shower and open the door to sobbing children. explain that when mommy is in the shower, they are not lost. no really. you were NOT LOST
• 10:07 am jump back in to rinse out that blasted conditioner.
• 10: 07 am no, you're still not lost. I promise. no I don't hate you. can I please get my underwear on?
• 10:08 am pretend the doorbell didn't just ring. hide in bedroom because you left the laundry on the couch but you can't get to it because you also left that front bedroom window wide open. Brilliant, you dumb naked lady.
• 10:09 am wonder if idiots at door will ever just go away
• 10:10 am Seriously?
• 10:15 am sneak out of bedroom as fast as you can and put on a Disney movie. hope to all goodness that they will apply their mad TV-watching skills and zone out
• 10:18 am realize that that's just not going to happen today
• 10:20 am begin 2nd manhunt for something to at least keep their mouths occupied
• 10:21 am find marshmallows
• 10:22 am Breathe. Ahhhhhh.
• 10:25 am no, there's no more marshmallows. how about some water. no I don't hate you. seriously, stop saying that. I don't hate you. STOPSAYINGTHAT!!!
• 11:00 am smile because husband will be home for lunch in 30 minutes
• 11:12 am get a phone call informing you that DadGuy will actually be going OUT to lunch with a friend who is a grown up and that he will get to have a real conversation and eat hot food.... try not to be bitter
• 11:14 am bust out with the ramen noodle... again.... bitterness sets in
• 11:17 am call shorties over for lunch. put ice cubes in noodles so that they don't burn their mouths. explain to shorties that no they can't have popsicles for lunch. because they're wearing a coat in the house. no. i said no. no popsicles. fine. but you have to share.
• 11:19 am enjoy the fleeting moment when everyone's mouths are busy
• 11:30 am look at big baby. realize he knows you're about to administer more medication. big baby commences crying. sigh and get the snot sucker.
• 12:00 noon enforce naptime. put the three oldest in their rooms. get a bottle for the baby girl. make a full 8 oz.
• 12:07 pm try to get baby girl to eat the rest of her bottle. look at bottle. she's only eaten 3 ounces. sigh. tell baby girl that if she doesn't finish eating that's so sad because she won't get to eat again until 3... realize that she's just a baby and this kind of talk gets you nowhere. sigh.
• 12:10 pm put baby girl down for nap
• 12:12 pm sweep. mop. switch the laundry. fold the laundry. clean the bathrooms. ignore the fact that you're pretty sure 2 people aren't sleeping. take out garbage. get dressed. switch the laundry. fold the laundry. make your bed. crawl into bed. close eyes. open eyes. they're just not going to sleep are they?
• 1:00 pm put on another movie. threaten them with death if they get off the couch or breathe too loudly.
• 1:02 pm feel guilty about using harsh tones. apologize. realize they don't care because they already forgot. feel even worse because they're so sweet and innocent and you're so big and mean.
• 1:04 pm lay on the couch and snuggle with them. enjoy The Little Mermaid. breathe. relax. fall asleep
• 3:00 pm big baby wakes up. time for another breathing treatment. acknowledge that he's now officially given up and ponder how sad it is for a 1 year old to have a look of resignation.
• 3:30 pm feed baby girl. only make 6 oz.
• 3:34 pm run into the kitchen whilst bouncing because you were wrong. again. remember with fondness how you were right at 7:19 am. those were good times. good times.
• 3:45 pm realize that you didn't thaw anything for dinner
• 3:47 pm begin 3rd manhunt for ingredients that would appeal to DadGuy and sick babies.
• 3:50 pm realize that no matter what happens you'll be making two dinners anyways
• 3:51 pm begin making dinner A... for grown-ups
• 4:00 pm begin making dinner B... for sickos
• 4:15 pm realize that the phone ringer has been off for 3 days.
• 4:16 pm turn ringer back on. check voicemail. make notes to call back no less than 87 people. sigh.
• 4:30 pm do a happy dance because DadGuy should be home really really soon
• 4:35 pm is that a garage door I hear?
• 4:36 pm no. it's not
• 4:40 pm that's got to be the garage! it is! it IS!!!
• 4:41 pm maul DadGuy. pass him baby girl. go OUTSIDE to CHECK THE MAIL. sweet release.
• 4:50 pm go back into kitchen to work on dinner
• 4:51 pm ask DadGuy a bazillion questions about work. what did you do? how did you do that? no I don't really understand what you're saying, those words are too big but OH.MY.GOODNESS. you're not screaming or crying or anything. can I kiss you?
• 4:52 pm make out with DadGuy a lil bit
• 4:53 pm get interrupted by child. no he's not giving me an owie. I know I'm you're mommy. I'm daddy's mommy too. yes you do have to share. really. stop crying. okay. come here. I'll hold you. yes, I can give you a kiss. no I won't kiss your tongue. stop licking me. i said stop. STOP IT! that's it, I'm not holding you anymore. crying promptly re-commences
• 5:00 pm dinner will be done soon
• 5:01 pm no it's not done yet
• 5:02 pm still not done
• 5:03 pm no
• 5:04 pm nope
• 5:05 pm HEY! where's your dad? why don't you go find him?
• 5:20 pm DINNERTIME!
• 5:25 pm I said DINNER!
• 5:30 pm Everyone to the table, right now!
• 5:31 pm bless the food.
• 5:32 pm now you can bless the food. no I won't help. I'm not. I know you can do it all by yourself. will you just bless the food? my eyes are closed. you stop talking. that's it. I'm saying it.
• 5:35 pm begin to eat amidst meltdown.
• 5:36 pm okay, you can bless the food. go ahead.
• 5:37 pm are you done? great. thanks. that was great. you're such a big girl
• 5:45 pm bathtime. yes baths. okay, no bubbles. you want bubbles? you don't. okay. plain bath. got it. let me help you. no? okay. fine. I have to take out your ponytail. yes I do. yes. yes. get over here. stop splashing. wipe off your face. clean your tummies. wipe off your bottoms. you still have junk on your face. still there. still there. here. right here. let me help you. don't splash me. that's it. bathtime is over. get out. now.
• 6:15 pm get people ready for bed. find pajamas. no, those ones are dirty. wear the other ones. I'll wash them tomorrow. no you can't wear them. why are you putting your shoes one? it's bedtime. BEDtime. no shoes. no shoes. NO SHOES. you know what? where are your slippers? those would be a great idea. yes. slippers. I know, you're so smart.
• 6:30 pm prepare myself to medicate the big baby again. hope to all goodness that it will be like last time. realize it won't because DadGuy's home and DadGuy might let him NOT take the medicine. have DadGuy laugh at mommy while mommy gets antibiotics spit on her. suck out the mucus. squirt up the nose. drops in the ears. here's the breathing treatment. oh yeah. there you go. wonder why my arms aren't totally cut from the fact that I am doing resistance training multiple times a day. be bitter. remember to remember to weigh myself. get really scared. realize you haven't exercised today. or yesterday. or the day before that. how long have I been giving breathing treatments for anyways? sigh. I think I may be fluffy for another year. snap back into reality as big baby somehow manages to punch me in the face. this is not going well.
• 6:50 pm it's almost bedtime. it's almost bedtime! Shoot, they didn't have naps anyways. and he's sick. we can go to bed early.
• 6:51 pm PRAYERS! kneel down. fold your arms. no, I'm gonna say it. because. fine. you can say it. I am closing my eyes. no I won't help you. Daddy, could you please say the prayer? then you better say it now...... thank you.
• 6:55 pm bedtime. everyone. in. bed. yes, I'll come give you a kiss. yes on the lips. no I won't kiss your puppy. you kiss him. this is the last one. give me your lips. good night. ISAIDGOODNIGHT
• 7:00 pm sink into the couch.
• 7:05 pm alrighty. I'm really bored. I guess I could go play on the computer....